Does the Dialogue in this small part of my book sound natural?
Hi, just want to know if it sounds natural. Thanks
When all my bird seeds have gone I return to my apartment and start to get things organised for work tomorrow. I take a bath, blow dry my hair and look out some clothes. I decide on my black Dolce and Gabana trouser suit and my zebra print heels. With tomorrow sorted I go into the kitchen and try to figure out how to work the microwave. It looks like an alien spaceship to me. After twenty minutes; eight to cook my macaroni cheese and twelve to find the start button I slump down on my sofa and switch the TV on. Friends are playing and I start to feel American.
My door bell rings and I open it to find Gaz looking at me.
“Well, come on?” he says.
“Come where?” I ask, “I’ve got my pyjama’s on.”
“For coffee. Don’t tell me you forgot?”
“You didn’t tell me a time, Gaz,”
“Look, Sophie, I have been up and down these stairs all day knocking on your door. Where ya been?”
He walks past me and snoops around my apartment. Looking in the bathroom, the bedroom and finally the family room.
“I was at Central Park,” I answer, “feeding the birds.”
“Oh god, please don’t tell me you bought bird seed,”
“Yes, why? I liked the look of the lady. She reminds me of the bird woman-
“From Mary Poppins, I know, I know,” Gaz interrupts.
Looking confused I ask, “What’s wrong with buying bird seed?”
“Well, she just knows how to scam tourists. How much did you pay?”
“$20”
“Get dressed. I am going to show you how to survive in New York,” Gaz takes me to Dorris and Jeff’s café and I notice it is so much busier than this morning.
“I was here today, did I do that right?” I ask.
“Yes, Dorris and Jeff are lovely. They’ve just opened and make a brilliant cup of coffee,”
Dorris is thrilled to see me again and sits us down at the booth with the photo of Elvis hanging on the wall. I look around and the place and looks different to this morning. The lighting has changed and is now a dark red with a log fire burning up at the very back of the café, which I didn’t spot earlier. Couples are seated opposite each other hand in hand and giggling away. Doris is doing her rounds and reaches us.
“Hi, Gaz, what ya want for eating?” she asks.
“Nothing, just a coffee, Doris,”
“Sure and I never caught your name this morning, dear?”
“I’m, Sophie, and I’ll have a coffee too,” I say picking up the menu, “and the homemade toffee cheese cake, please.”
She takes out her pen and pad and takes a note, “won’t be long,”
“So,” I ask Gaz, “what’s the key to surviving then,”
“Well, first off don’t be being bird seed again. Your “Oh I love New York” phase will pass,”
“God, Gaz I only arrived yesterday, give me a break. Let me enjoy it,”
“Ok, but if your still dancing about feeding those flying rats in a months time, I swear I will have you sectioned, deal?”
“Deal?” I say laughing.
Dorris arrives with our coffee and my cake and I look at Gaz wondering why he’s looking at me in the strange way he is.
“ What now?”
“Nothing, Love, just don’t be eating that every day too. Don’t want you gaining a few extra pounds now, do we?”
“This coming from the guy who was exercising yesterday plus stuffing your face with chips and cream cakes?”
“Ok, you win but don’t tell Neil. He thinks I’m doing really well,”
I take a sip of my coffee and ask, “who’s Neil?”
“My boyfriend, don’t know if you will get to meet him though; he works a lot,” he says in an unhappy tone.
“He tells me it’s for us to have a good life and a nice home,”
“Well, he’s right. Your apartment is stunning, Gaz,”
“Yeah, I suppose,”
OMG mep zorp, thumbs up for you, I have just pissed myself laughing. The tears are pouring out my eyes, lol
Oy … more bad teenage prose …
Actually, your dialogue is okay. The rest is full of errors however.
"all my bird seeds have gone I return to my apartment and start to" =[ Don't use the present tense - it adds nothing to the story - that style went out fifty years ago (in your case it is especially difficult to read). Now days, the present tense is the red flag of an amateur.
"After twenty minutes; eight to cook my macaroni cheese and twelve to find the start button[prpoer punctuation needed here]…" 12 minutes to find the start button??? Is this girl mentally retarded???
"Friends are ["is" is the correct word] playing [comma] and I start to feel American."
Don’t use run on sentences. Break them up into short clear statements.
"Dorris [seemed glad] to see me again. [We sat] at the booth {below] the photo of Elvis [....obviously it was hanging on the wall].
The place and looked different from this morning, lit with a red glow from the fireplace in back.
Several apparently retarded couples were seated around the cafe, opposite each other hand in hand and giggling away. [Giggling??? Is this a cafe for retarded idiots???]
[Doris came to our table.]
Dorris arrived with coffee and my cake. Gaz was looking at me like I was retarded.
"Gaz. GAZ!" I shouted, "What’s wrong with you?"
Gaz didn’t answer me. He just reached across the table and grabbed my hand and started giggling.
"Gaz! Gaz! We have got to get out of this place!"
I sipped my coffee. I took another sip. I could feel my intelligence fading! I spat the mouthful of coffee onto the table, the familiar taste of roofies in my mouth.
Gaz picked up his coffee, slurped deeply, and balanced the empty cup on his head, grinning moronically …
February 11th, 2010 at 4:43 am
Yeh seems pretty normal, but I don’t have a clue about the U.S and also is gaz gay?? Would be awsome to have a gay mayte, a male one not female though incase they made a move on me because I’m 100% straight haha
Yeh seems good, alot of speech but it was more interesting that way, you just need something big to happen now or your readers will get bored, it’s half 11 so my brain is dead of ideas sorry
References :
February 11th, 2010 at 5:31 am
…constructive critique…suggestions, examples…no re-writes…kind of long…
If Gaz is from New York City (is he?) he doesn’t sound like a New Yorker.
He sounds British sometimes, at least to me.
There are too many question marks in some places, and one or two missing in others.
When a person makes a statement (not a question) suggest using a period.
If asking something, use a question mark.
A few other things, like "This coming from the guy who was exercising yesterday plus stuffing (…it should be "his"…) his face with chips and cream cakes?"
er…What are "cream cakes?" Where are they found in New York? And is "toffee cheese cake" found easily in New York?
Many things are, but it doesn’t sound very native to the city…
…Boston cheese cake, New York cheese cake …these are seen often.
Suggest a period after Gaz says, "My boyfriend." (- that’s news -) and another after the next sentence "Don’t know if you’ll (drop "will" for a contraction) get to meet him though. He works a lot."
When writing a descriptive bit before dialogue… "She takes out her pen and makes a note. ‘Won’t be long.’ " …a period is needed, as seen.
Suggest when a protagonist is confused, you write how they feel rather than how they look, as in…
…’Confused, I ask, "What’s wrong with buying bird seed?" ‘…(Drop "Looking.")
Also when a person is interrupted in mid-speech, an ellipsis is better than a dash ("bird woman…").
I’m sure you get it now.
P.S. An astounding number of stories here begin with the protagonist in the bathroom and choosing clothes, etc.
None of that information is needed by a reader.
Most readers do those things and it’s of little interest; in other words, I hope you begin this at a point beyond the bathroom and closet.
You need a good hook.
Oh, and the names of TV shows are in quotation marks… "Friends"…
Revisions will help fix things.
You’re doing okay.
Keep writing and revising you’ll get it done.
Good luck and Happy Holidays.
References :
UCLA Eng. Lit.; post-grad writing courses. Career as writer, editor, tutor. Usually retired.
February 11th, 2010 at 5:40 am
Oy … more bad teenage prose …
Actually, your dialogue is okay. The rest is full of errors however.
"all my bird seeds have gone I return to my apartment and start to" =[ Don't use the present tense - it adds nothing to the story - that style went out fifty years ago (in your case it is especially difficult to read). Now days, the present tense is the red flag of an amateur.
"After twenty minutes; eight to cook my macaroni cheese and twelve to find the start button[prpoer punctuation needed here]…" 12 minutes to find the start button??? Is this girl mentally retarded???
"Friends are ["is" is the correct word] playing [comma] and I start to feel American."
Don’t use run on sentences. Break them up into short clear statements.
"Dorris [seemed glad] to see me again. [We sat] at the booth {below] the photo of Elvis [....obviously it was hanging on the wall].
The place and looked different from this morning, lit with a red glow from the fireplace in back.
Several apparently retarded couples were seated around the cafe, opposite each other hand in hand and giggling away. [Giggling??? Is this a cafe for retarded idiots???]
[Doris came to our table.]
Dorris arrived with coffee and my cake. Gaz was looking at me like I was retarded.
"Gaz. GAZ!" I shouted, "What’s wrong with you?"
Gaz didn’t answer me. He just reached across the table and grabbed my hand and started giggling.
"Gaz! Gaz! We have got to get out of this place!"
I sipped my coffee. I took another sip. I could feel my intelligence fading! I spat the mouthful of coffee onto the table, the familiar taste of roofies in my mouth.
Gaz picked up his coffee, slurped deeply, and balanced the empty cup on his head, grinning moronically …
References :
February 11th, 2010 at 6:25 am
its amazing, but a little confusing. will you look at mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AoaW_Pt8LAhCkq.oY81ylu7sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20091220173942AAxrK1h
References :
February 11th, 2010 at 7:04 am
Seems like it’s going good to me – The only thing slowing your flow is unnecessary explanations or extra words accompanying your dialogue. This is usually caught through editing polishing process or by the book editors themselves and as far as I could tell it was only a few times but experts have a keener eye for it. (that’s what they’re there for)
ie.-extra words- Looking confused I ask, “What’s wrong with buying bird seed?”
instead- Confused I asked, “What’s wrong with buying bird seed?” -shorter and first person character can’t see her own face.
ie- unnecessary explanations- “So,” I ask Gaz, “what’s the key to surviving then,”
instead- “So, what’s the key to surviving then?”-Your original sentence isn’t incorrect at all but since you already establish the scene we know she’s questioning Gaz and the dialogue is kept at a brisk pace. Good luck.
References :